sleep

I think sleep deprivation is starting to take its toll on me. Its been about three months now of no more than 2-3 hours of continuous sleep. I suppose moms have done this for ages, so I guess it won't kill me in the end. But I think its making me a sad and crabby person.

I'm normally quite the morning person. Ryan jokes about how annoying it is to see me upbeat and smiling in the mornings when it takes him a couple hours to crack a smile.

Now, on about 5 hours of cumulative sleep, I wake up and get Fay breakfast, play with her, tend to Rex, and some days, get Fay off to school. I feel like a zombie in the morning. With a baby in one hand and a doll in the other, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I am not enjoying the playing and the cute moments with Fay. I'm just getting through the morning or the day.

On the days when Fay is not in school, I watch the clock, hoping for 1pm to come soon so I can hopefully get a nap when Fay sleeps. If Rex is not interested in sleeping, I'll convince him by putting him on the boob next to me while I sleep.

Of course all that is not as bad as when I get irritated by my little Fay asking the same question 10 times over. Or when I snap at her for not listening to me when I'm trying to get her clothes on. The minute it happens, I want to take it back. I want to be the patient and calm mom that I think I am.

And all this makes me terribly sad. I remember having an identity crisis when Fay was born and I was trying to understand my new role as a mom. Now I am trying to maintain my identity as a good mom. One that listens to her child and plays with her and enjoys her.