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Friday, March 21, 2008

back to sleep

So after a month or so of sleeping through the night, Fay is waking up in the middle of the night again. She was consistently sleeping from 7pm to 6 or 6:30. But now she has woken up at 4:20 (like clockwork) for the past three nights. The second night she was all sweaty, so I thought it might be linked to the temp in her room. Its hard to regulate the heat in our apt because of course its radiator heat. So we can have it OFF, ON, or ON with various degrees of window breeze.

Last night the temp was perfect (OFF and 2 inch window opening). But she woke up again. Funny thing is, she doesn't seem that hungry. I mean, she'll eat. As she will whenever a boob is place in front of her. But she was not "going to town" on the boob, nor was she awake for very long.

I'm beginning to think it might have to do with me returning to work. She's been very skittish about the whole ordeal. She's been fussier than usual when Mandy plays with her. And the few days that I've worked from home, she'll hang with Mandy and just stare at me. Or she'll play for a second and then look over her shoulder to make sure I'm still there.

Now this touches my heart. I love to get those little loving glances from Fay. But I feel like she's just so confused. She just came to realize who I am it seems and now there is this other Mommy around with the artificial boob (bottle). I wonder if she is waking in the night and not putting herself back to sleep because she wants to see if I'm there. I don't know. Maybe its too early for that kind of logic on her part. But thats what the mommy back to work guilt gives me.

On the up side, work does seem easier as time goes by. I've made some peace with the pump. And I am excited about the project I will start on Monday. It should be interesting and stimulating, so I will be adequately distracted so as not to think about missing Fay too much. And I don't think I will be able to work from home, at least not initially. Which is probably a good thing, so Fay is not confused as to why I'm home, but ignoring her. And it will give Mandy a chance to set her own week rhythm.

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