*really* back to work

Tomorrow I go back to work for real. I don't believe I will have any more maternity leave weeks in my future. Though I do hope to get Fridays off. I'm currently so conflicted about returning to work. I want to live in the adult world I remember from before Fay, but I know from my brief training stint that I will miss Fay desperately. Lets take some bets on how long it will take me to acclimate to this new change. As Ryan pointed out when I was sad at the end of my training week, I've been through a lot of change in the past couple years. Granted, it all has to do with Fay. But there were very different stages of change. Pregnancy was a big adjustment. Each trimester in fact, was very different from the previous one. Becoming a mother to Fay was huge, obviously. Not working for 4 months was a big change. I remember my first weeks with Fay I had a feeling of idleness. I felt a lack of accomplishment at the end of some days. Even though I was busy and exhausted with Fay, I felt something, my prior self, was missing.

So now I've become someone new. But my evolution is clearly not complete. Not even for this stage of my life. I have moved on from my earlier feelings of idleness, to becoming very comfortable and enjoying being Fay's mom. Saying "my daughter" does not sound new or odd anymore. But now I have to become a working mom. And I'm fairly overwhelmed at the thought. I don't suppose I will have a minute to spare at the end of each week.

And I think Ryan and my relationship may change some now. Obviously it changed when Fay arrived. We are part of a family now and we are sharing this wonderful new responsibility. We have less time for ourselves and for each other. Though we've been really good about taking time for each other. We go out every Friday night together. Now, with me returning to work, we'll have to change again. I feel like I've been Fay's primary caregiver over the past 4 months. Much of that has to do with breast feeding, and middle of the night feedings. The feeding won't change just yet, since I will be continuing with that as long as I can. But I may need a more help in the morning than I've previously needed. Its hard to juggle getting ready for work, feeding Fay, and playing with her during the small window of time I'll have with her each morning.

Anyway, I feel as if I am embarking on the first day of the rest of my life. Its a little scary. I hope I like it.